Today started as another relaxing day. We started, as you can imagine, with crochet. 11am came and went. I made breakfast while Jo had a call with her sister and my mum caught up on her online social life and then we decided to go to the Mornington Main Street Market. It was almost 2pm by the time we got there and stalls were starting to pack up. There was one stall that drew all three of us in though. A local woman who makes wands, smudge feathers and jewellery. Jo walked towards it almost in a trance, and within seconds the three of us were pouring our eyes over her beautiful wares.
Then, the strangest thing happened. We were there for about 20 minutes, and 10 minutes in, I started feeling uneasy. I wasn’t sure why. Jo noticed it almost immediately, unsurprisingly, but I didn’t even know how to describe the feeling, never mind work out the cause. It was like my stomach was in knots and my mind was trying to block me seeing in to my heart. I sat with it for a while, acknowledging the fear my mind had, waiting for it to allow me to see deeper. Talking it through a little more with my mum I started veering towards the notion that I felt like an imposter in that environment, like I shouldn’t have an interest in magickal artifacts.
Was it that I was encroaching on an interest of Jo’s and I was scared of being seen to copy her? Jo asked if I was fearful of accepting concepts of magick fully. Both odd notions, given I’d been interested in the metaphysical since a very early age, never having accepted common scientific restrictions on physical limitations.
I wondered though, am I nearing an apex of some sort. In the same way that people plan epic life changes without concern and back out last minute because of a fear to commit, perhaps my mind is becoming concerned with my personal growth in the past year in my heart space.
Time will tell.